Bi-Monthly By Ryan #34

A twice-monthly newsletter by Ryan Jafar Artes

Author

Ryan Artes
December 21, 2025

Here is a photo of the poet Ryan Jafar Artes. The poet has a peaceful expression while riding the New York City ferry. The sun is setting over Manhattan in the background. 

Dear Comrades,

I did it. I removed my remaining family members from my newsletter. In the past when I have gone to do so, I decided to hold onto hope instead.

I had the audacity to hold onto the hope that one day my family might reach out to me. They make me do the work of reaching out. I have come to regret when I do reach out to them, so I no longer do, and I do not hear from them in return.

Last Juneteenth, I added five members of my family to my newsletter, in addition to one who was already subscribed, attempting another approach to spark a conversation I have since realized will not happen. This Winter Solstice, I have removed them. After decades of trying, I am tired of holding onto hope.

❝

But that’s how it’s always been with Harada. Am I his adopted daughter? Or his personal tool?

From Livewire by Sarah Raughley. This is how I felt as my adoptive mother’s adopted child. My relationship with her was defined by servitude, obedience, and control.

My estrangement has made me feel so weird. I have to communicate and move in ways that are so exhaustingly protective of myself, especially around my family. Not having to do so has given my nervous system a well-needed break.

I have many Instagram accounts, not because I have any particular interest in social media, but rather because I wanted to put distance between me and my family in general, and my mother in particular. I wanted to learn from others who are scapegoats of narcissistic family structures. After I started reposting reels about narcissism, my adoptive mother blocked me on all of my accounts and unsubscribed from my newsletter.

There are times I miss my family, and my mother, still. I think I want my mother to reach out, though with love and not control. Moving away from her has been simultaneously the hardest and best thing I have ever done.

❝

Wrestling between what you know to be true in your heart and what you want to believe is the worst kind of pain. I should know.

From Livewire by Sarah Raughley. I picked up this book on a stroll through my local library because the cover called out to me with its beauty. I am so grateful to have picked up such an empowered adoptee-centered narrative, one which parallels my own lived experiences.

I am currently teaching Holiday Letter Writing as a Spiritual Practice #2. We are having deeply profound conversations. We are supporting each other.

I removed my family from being subscribers and wrote the beginning of this newsletter during our writing session in class today. I had been trying to do so alone, but kept wavering on my decision. I would re-subscribe them as immediately as un-subscribing them.

I am writing one last newsletter this season to let you know, I finally did it. I removed my family from my newsletter. After decades of trying, I am ready to move in another direction.

Love, Ryan <3

❝

The truth is, I’ve been a good, obedient little adopted girl all my life. If I’ve gone feral now, it’s long overdue.

From Livewire by Sarah Raughley. I have created a new life for myself, out of the ashes of my old. Thank you for reading this far.

P.S. I need your support now, more than ever. Please see Bi-Monthly By Ryan #33 for ways you can support me during this time. Thank you in advance. <3

This is Livewire by Sarah Raughley. I highly recommend this book. As a transracial transnational adoptee, I see so much of myself in the main character.