Bi-Monthly By Ryan #19

Dear Friends,

Putting distance and spaciousness between me and my family is the hardest thing I have ever done. I sacrificed my finances, reputation, and security to do so. I continue to do the hard work to believe, both in myself, and my lived experiences.

My most recent text exchange with my adoptive mother was scary. I do not know how to ask her for affection and love I have never received from her. She has never expressed affection or love to me.

I am trying as hard as I can to heal from a lifetime in which I have never received expressions of affection or words of love from my mother. I can not, and do not, agree to disagree about my lived experiences because they are not opinions. I am still living a life in which I am subject and subjected to the negative ramifications of my adoption.

My body does not know the love or affection of my mother. Yesterday my heart hurt with the familiar sting of familial heartbreak, and I worried myself sick to my stomach. To save myself, I turned to my writing, as I do.

I joined my Tuesday afternoon writing group, which meets on Clubhouse, meaning the sessions are recorded and I can listen to them over and over. The sessions are better than therapy. This session was exceptionally awe-inspiring, beautiful, and fulfilling.

I worked on my romance novel, as I have been doing for the last few sessions. The prompt was, “on high, serene, studding,” an incomplete clause which was exactly what I needed to continue writing the sentence I left hanging last time. I immersed myself in the fantasy of calling forth my future lover.

This group always sees me so clearly through my writing. True to our group’s established routine and tradition, Mazzi, Rukus, and Vanessa saw me clearly this week. They provided me with such deeply meaningful and thorough feedback, proving to me they are nothing short of magic(k)ians.

In the past, I would receive such understanding comments when I wrote directly about my life. Even when I write fantasy and fiction, everyone sees me vividly through it all, which I know because their feedback speaks to my inner child and soul simultaneously, and helps me heal myself. For example, Vanessa offered the insight that for us Black and Brown people, building dependable, reliable relationships is a radical act of self acceptance, care, and love.

This was a hard newsletter to write. Thank you for reading. For those of you here who are family, thank you for reading my perspective.

Love, Ryan <3

• Please support my mutual aid campaign if you can afford to do so. Due to circumstances out of everyone’s control, all donations raised during Locating Our Ghosts were lost, which was close to $1,000 of funding. While this is a setback, I am choosing to remain hopeful that the funds will be returned, and will appreciate any support you have to offer, with immense gratitude for everyone who has already donated.

• Sign up for Split This Rock’s Poem of the Week Series. And then, keep your eye out for my poem! I have so much gratitude for Gowri Koneswaran and the whole curation team at Split This Rock for believing in my work.

• Sign up for one of my letter writing courses, which are now for my community of Black and Brown adoptees only. I am asking for donations of $300-600 per course to support my activism and art. See more information in Bi-Monthly By Ryan #18 and email me directly to sign up, or refer my courses to a Black or Brown adoptee in your life if you are not one yourself.